Today sees the start of that most peculiar of phenomena - the Cheltenham Horse Abuse Festival. Apart from the issues related to class, tricolours and cruelty, all punters should keep in mind a few simple and overwhelming rules and apply these rules to any potential positions (if you must get involved).
* Never bet on the Irish in the handicap races and never bet on the British in the non-handicaps.
* At major meetings, the bookies work harder than ever to prevent favourites winning and punters should check out the betting exchanges and be looking to lay favourites in manipulated British-controlled events.
* Observe the disinformation put out by media and individuals who one knows to be corrupt. Bet accordingly.
* Never bet solely on nationalistic grounds and be particularly wary of horses with names like "Paddy's Luck" or "Rebel Country"!
* Avoid alcohol while betting - the Guinness tent is responsible for many debts...
* Be highly selective in your trading and it is possible to earn serious money at Cheltenham.
* Cheltenham is more meritocratic than your average race meeting as the kudos of winning, say, the Gold Cup, is greater than any payoff that Ladbrokes might be willing to provide in return for underperformance. The non-prime races are always the most manipulated.
* Never back horses from the betting/criminal/corrupt yards unless you are privy to their hidden agenda.
* Avoid steamers unless Irish, non-handicap with media suppression of the information.
* Carefully assess the psychological profiles and public utterances of jockeys, trainers and owners as these people are inbred, not very bright or corrupt (or sometimes all three).
* Expect a profusion of losing favourites at shortish odds at the secondary meetings at Sedgefield and Southwell. Attending these secondary meetings and selective trading is an earner.
* Either bet in the ring, on the rails or with the betting exchanges. Absolutely don't bet with the the standard bookmakers as they offer considerably poorer prices. In the Smurfit, for instance, Betfair offer Brave Inca at 5/1 while Ladbrokes go 10/3 and Premierbet 3/1. Why would anyone accept £300 return on a winning £100 bet when you can get £500? No-brainer...
* Record all trades placed in the betting ring on a dictaphone.
Enjoy the exuberance of the Irish winners and look forward to St Pat's but remember that it should be regarded as a political act to ensure that you cream some profit off the British bookmakers and establishment. Bet wisely...
