"All that remains is a fascination for desert-like and indifferent forms, for the very operation of the system that annihilates us" - Baudrillard.
As our Spectacular Extravaganzas morph into scaled up versions of the "penitentiary theatre" in 'Escape From New York', it is indeed fascinating to monitor the forms of their Theatre of the Spectacle.
Euro 2008 has offered us an array of the primary reasons why football is dead.
One has been missing. Our favourite one - the "Deliberate Underperformance by a Vastly Superior Team".
Alongside the "Agreed Draw", these two match structures define a reasonable percentage of the theatrical presentations staged for our leisure.
Why do we take such a pleasure in these corrupt machinations as opposed to the ones already outlined in our coverage of Euro 2008?
There are a number of reasons, but most evident would be the profitability of such events from a trading perspective, the perverse enjoyment of the non-entertainment of determined underachievement for a cause, the disclosures of individual rogue operators and their psychologies and strategems, and comparing the hyperreality at play with the utterances of the talking heads as an indication of the status of our media educators.
These are valuable nuggets of the holistic hyperreality.
Of course, it would go without saying that one has to know what one is looking for.
Anyway, back to the "Deliberate Underperformance by a Vastly Superior Team"...
While eyes were turned to Vienna and Basel, a little insider corruption was taking place on the opposite side of the world.
In Sydney, to be more precise...
Australia 0 The Peoples Republic of China 1.
Some background. So that you might gain some perspective...
Australia had already qualified for the next stages of the Asian World Cup Qualifiers while PR China were already not welcome at the party.
An aside - PR China are becoming serially excluded from the latter stages of major international tournaments due to the rampant gambling activities that occur on the occasions when they do reach the Finals.
As the Chinese would bet on the "Time of the First Fart" if it were possible, this may be a good thing.
The gambling market takes precedence. Always.
Very much a similar template to England, in fact.
Anyway, we thought we'd share that with you.
Back to the background...
The Chinese had only scored two goals in their previous five Qualifiers and had managed to win precisely none.
Australia were undefeated at home in World Cup Qualifiers in over 27 years, although beating the Cook Islands, the Solomon Islands and sublimating New Zealand is hardly indicative of a competitive superiority.
Neither team had anything to play for - apart from pride and honour, and all that sort of nonsense.
The perfect territory for the "Deliberate Underperformance by a Vastly Superior Team".
Certain manipulations are very difficult to pull off visually. The discerning eye knows when the "Agreed Draw" is taking place - think back to previous postings on France v Romania or Porto v Chelsea, for example.
The determined efforts of some Australians to play as poorly as possible to land an insider gamble was a disgrace.
There was some considerable liquidity grapevining its way into the Asian underground markets, sourced in SE Australia.
We have no idea who was involved in the trading activity but we have very clear data on the perpetrators on the pitch.
Our extensive databases allow us to spot irregular patterns in the performances of players on the pitch, much in the same way as Early Warning GmbH does for the European betting industry.
Harry Kewell had a nightmare. He was the Aussie captain for the game, so we are absolutely certain that the man had enough integrity not to deliberately underperform for his own personal financial gratification.
Or that of his associates...
Despite the history of insider betting from the Australian camp in recent years, surely a captain would not dishonour his country and his 70,054 compatriots (apart from a few Chinese who had slipped through Australia's vicious immigration system for SE Asians) by such actions.
Surely not.
And Ruben Zadkovich, who spent the entire match trying to get sent off with a series of exponentially deteriorating industrial tackles, finally achieved his aim, to an extent, when an assault and battery coupled with a grievous bodily harm, presented the Chinese with a penalty to increase their advantage to two goals with less than twenty to play.
Here, the hyperreality took a random turn.
The match official for the game was Khalil al-Ghamdi from Saudi Arabia.
Saudi Arabia don't bother with football corruption - oil, and horse and camel abuse take precedence.
Whatever.
Al-Ghamdi's officiating made it evident that he had no part in the illusion unfolding in front of his eyes.
The Chinese score the penalty and the players are almost back in position for the Kick Off, when Khalil has a brainwave - encroachment, make them take it again. The repeat failed and glances were shared among Australian players.
Fortunately, the Aussies managed to deliberately not attack until the final whistle blew and everybody went home happy.
Apart from the 70,054 minus a few who had paid for this travesty.
In among this sporting vacuum stood two signs of hope.
The Australian squad now regularly features two Indigenous Australians.
And, neither of them were involved in the scam on Sunday.
To complete this ludicrous matrix of the illusory hyperreality, Sky Television (as unsurprisingly, it was the Murdochracy which streamed this fetishistic football match around the globe) had the audacity to claim that their commentators were present at the gambling feature in Sydney, when it was quite clear from their tourism-book-knowledge of the city and their inability to see anything more than the viewer was seeing that they were merely adding the finishing touches to a particularly Spectacular Sky Scam from some shoddy little studio 17,000 kilometres away.
Oh! How we have missed these monstrosities since the termination of the English season...
This match wasn't the only insider gamble in the Asian World Cup Qualifiers.
Uzbekistan were going to be our Team of the Season until they determinedly lost 0-4 to the House of Saud in Riyadh at the weekend. I bet the Fat Freaky Baby Boiling Smack Smuggler had nothing to do with this...
And, nor was it the only hot event in the final round of games. We are grateful to Khalid Faraidooni putting us on to the manipulations against Syria qualifying for the latter stages. Syria needed to win by three clear goals away to UAE in order to leapfrog their hosts into the second qualifying position. The AFC put Australia's Mark Shield on the match, which is always suggestive of a hidden agenda.
Syria raced into a 2-0 lead before a floodlight failure led to the teams leaving the pitch. On their return, Mr Shield gave the hosts a penalty and, although the Syrians netted a third in injury time, the UAE were able to progress.
Most Syrian players refused to speak to the media post-match, although one who did stated: "I congratulate the 'Electricity Team' for their great victory".
That will teach Syria to destabilise Lebanon, unlike every other local (and global) power, who also spend a good percentage of their time doing that very same thing.
The geopoliticised nature of the targeting of nations like Uzbekistan, PR China and Syria continues apace.
Scams in Asia, scams in Europe...
What is it all coming to?
"Is international management now a young man's game?" enquired the Guardian headline, with typical prescience, prior to the Euro 2008 Quarter Finals.
Fatih Terim is 54, Luis Aragonés is 69 and Guus Hiddink, 61.
The four chemically-enhanced qualifiers have also 'ticked' another of the UEFA family's marketing boxes - that the competition should geographically maintain interest into the final week.
The selling of everything, everywhere was dependent on this structure.
It even taps into an anti-reality in other ways.
Fans from the 47 countries of Europe who no longer have any direct interest in the tournament, are now able to inverse their support into an unsupport for the local object-of-derision of choice.
The Portuguese and Italians can unsupport Spain.
The Greeks, Romanians, Bulgarians, Armenians, Moldovans and Azerbaijanis should unsupport Turkey.
The rest of the continent can choose directly between Russia and Germany - the two countries who, incidentally, were our pre-tournament tips for the title - just to prompt your memories, people.
Euro 2008, three more games prior to some considerable time working on balconies and beaches :)
Italy v Spain - zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. The two highest ranking FIFA nations in the tournament produced one of the worst matches of the tournament as Fandel desperately attempted to "stop" the Spanish. In one first half minute, the Spaniards were denied two stonewall penalties by the overly-expressive-one. The latter one left even PGMOB Lawrenson and Ladbrokes Motson speechless on the BBC.
"Never condemn, just say silent" - the Lawrenson mantra that he must repeat to himself prior to the addressing of any referee-based controversies of corruption.
We have a theory.
It seems foolproof.
It defines the winners of the matches in the Quarter Finals, Semi Finals and Final of Euro 2008 prior to the match starting.
It is a gambling nirvana.
And, you know what?
We're going to give it to you.
For nothing.
So, when we start to charge a small subscription in the not-too-distant future, you can merely dip into your winnings to continue getting our moans, groans and rants.
Anyway, the robust and 100% successful trading model is this:
When the national anthems are being sung, or, in the case of the Dutch, grunted, check if the camera falls of the Über Power from the country in question.
Using the above match as an example. When the Spanish hummed along, they were joined by King Juan Carlos. But, when Fratelli D'Italia rang out, blabbermouth Berlusconi was nowhere to be seen.
The Berlusconi brand must not be equated with defeat.
Pick up the phone/ go online - back Spain to Qualify.
Simple.
There is only one filtration. Angela Merkel's presence is irrelevant - the Germans will always win anyway.
Oh! And Putin is omnipresent.
Still, its a model of sorts.
And, if it is true, Gordon Brown's obstructive attendance behaviour should ensure a further window of English competitive underperformance prior to the next election.
Eureka! A reason to vote New Labour!
UEFA have developed an unwritten Rule of the Game for Euro 2008. This is aside from any hidden agendas regarding the playing out of the Extravaganza.
Following the compensation package that Newcastle United lawyer's eked out of FIFA following Michael Owen's entertaining pack-of-cards collapse in the last World Cup, UEFA have instructed the match officials to alter their officiating to take this into account.
The Rule whereby play must be stopped in the case of a head injury, has now been extended, unofficially, to read as follows:
"...if, in the course of the theatre, a player from a G14(18) team falls to the ground and provides any indication that he is in pain, play MUST be halted IMMEDIATELY, and the medical support teams and UEFA lawyers called on to the pitch. Do not make any comment to the player or other representatives of that said player. The game will be restarted with a drop ball and a return of possession to the team disadvantaged by the cessation of play".
The Italians were already gaming this factor into their match performance prior to their exit - I am assured, by a higher Jamaican authority, that this is a "motherfuckin' fact".
Cool and catenaccio, but no creativity without Pirlo.
Arrivederci Donadoni.
© Football Is Fixed/Dietrological
