"For the fans by the fans" is UEFA's marketing slogan for Euro 2008.
Its a good decade and a half since such a claim could be made.
But not in the world of "Absolute Advertising, Ground-Zero Advertising".
Remember the good old days when we used to share valuable holistics of Spectacular Football Tournaments with our readers?
Totally free.
Remember?
No more.
Welcome to the Dietrological Blog Chart for Euro 2008.
Bland generalisations for a Festival of Fun.
2,3,4...
AUSTRIA - Promising youngsters. National Feelgood Factor at lowest point since Hitler.
CROATIA - Some internal unrest of late but top coach.
CZECH REPUBLIC - zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
FRANCE - Domenech is several courgettes short of a ratatouille - astrology?? Group of Death.
GERMANY - Best half of the Draw thanks to their creative underperformance towards the completion of the Qualifiers. Lehmann's in goal.
GREECE - Ελλάς! Ελλάς! Ελλάς! Ελλάς! Champions again in three weeks team is our entirely rational and objective opinion. Otto Rehhagel is the best manager ever. Werder Bremen, Kaiserslautern (we will never forget their idiot fans turning their backs on the One True Genius as he headed for the exit after he had made a crappy little club great for a while). Better than Mourinho. Ελλάς! Ελλάς! Ελλάς! Ελλάς!
ITALY - No Cannavaro, Nesta or Totti but great squad whatever. Armageddon Group.
NETHERLANDS - Self-defeating racism in the squad again but they do have Van der Sar, Sneijder and Van Nistelrooy. Group of Dire Consequences.
POLAND - Holy goalie, Lewandowski, Smolarek and Beenhakker. Germany first game. Mmmm...
PORTUGAL - Is Scolari going to Chelsea? Is Ronaldo going to Real Madrid? Is Deco going to play? Can they find a forward? What will their tournament strategy be without the goal of defeating England on penalties?
ROMANIA - Brilliant team who deserve to win the tournament but haven't a cat in hells chance, for they are in with some powerful teams in the Group of Destiny. Do not underestimate Romania though. Although Dietrological was formed in Bucureşti, we are not nuanced in our assessment.
RUSSIA - Is Putin going to Chelsea? More prizes for Gazprom or more control from headquarters?
SPAIN - Not big fans of Aragonés and the collapsing housing market is hardly a happy backdrop. Best goalkeeper ever though - Russia game is massive.
SWEDEN - Best centre forward ever returns to a team that can out-bore even the Czech Republic.
SWITZERLAND - FIFA/UEFA's Team. Not very good and the youngsters aren't very good either. Bound to get a dodgy penalty or sending off in their favour at some point yet to be pre-determined.
TURKEY - "Will lose every game by a hatful" is the unbiased opinion of Yiorgios. Big Battle in Berne on the 11th.
In the FIFA World Cup 2006 brand, Horacio Marcelo Elizondo was given the double-honour of refereeing both the Opening Game and The Final. So is there anything to be read into the fact that, when UEFA finally got round to releasing the Match Officials Roster for the first 12 games yesterday, Roberto Rosetti gets the keenly awaited opener between two dull dull dull outfits. Can't wait.
The Early Warning System (EW GmbH) that alerts the authorities when unusual betting patterns of minimal or no consequence occur on events, has been wheeled out in order to convince the gullible that the institutions take integrity seriously. Established a couple of years back, EW GmbH is a venture involving those demi-pariahs, Betfair. When this peripheral betting exchange detects any insider trading, EW GmbH are called in. And then? Nothing. Remember Dinamo Tbilisi/Panionios? Remember Liverpool v Besiktas? Although, of course, that match has been eliminated from the Illusion because it didn't fit the template of the Spectacle. Porto aren't quite so powerful though, as this weeks banning from next year's Champions League shows - the Porto team won the Portuguese league 4 years back by cheating and buying games.
News? Oh my gosh, big teams buy big prizes...
EW GmbH is a farce. Betfair don't see the real money which is traded on Private Markets globally, in Dark Pools, in Crossing Networks, in the Asian Underground Markets. The serious insider money that tilts your Hyperrealities is traded in these totally unregulated marketplaces. Not in £2 trades being matched in London...
Just how blind...
An incredibly high percentage of matches in the English Premiership and Italy's Serie A are linked directly to these purportedly non-existent trading places.
Never a word. Never a mention...
Such an Unreality shares equivalence with the monitoring of the capital markets without taking into consideration Hedge Funds, Derivatives and the Sovereign Wealth Funds. Its a nonsense.
Betfair amplified the media scam with a carefully crafted pre-tournament "leak" to the press regarding the £1 million ($2 million) debts run up at the firm by an England international player. While, not to be left out of a little invalid revenue streaming, Skybet teamed up with the Sky News Disinformational Extravaganza to provide multitudes of reasons why Mark Hughes was definitely going to Chelsea and not Bangkok. Not content with this boiler room scam, the Harrogate antisocials cashed in on a fake gamble on Carlo Ancelotti for the next 8-month-managerial-contract at the soon-to-implode Chelsea.
It would warm the cockles of 'Arry's heart. If he has one...
Away from the waves of apathy at the onset of Euro 2008, the Premier League have quietly admitted defeat in their commoditisation of the Premiership into a global brand entirely unlinked with the communitarian clubs where the sport began. Sport. Remember? The 39th Game will be a collection of meaningless pre-season friendlies in sex/gambling hotspots. Stylish...
As if to confirm that all is well in Scudamoreworld, Kia Joorabchian is the new leech on the mass murderer who is destroying Manchester City. As dodgy an agent as you are likely to find, in any industry, this is a marriage made in some very murky places indeed.
Great to hear that Ron "Lazy Fucking Nigger" Atkinson was back on the BBC Radio 4 Today programme the other day. The Filthy Fucking Honkie must have some considerable dirt on someone. Kinda describes the scene though - racist gets job back; whistleblower, Mike Newell, signing on every other Tuesday.
Also, while we were sunning ourselves, Luton Town were handed a further 10 point deduction to add to the 15 point deduction already handed down from on high. So the Hatters will start next season with a penalty of -25 points. Just how long can this serial abuse continue? Surely everybody in the loop has realised that it is best not to step out of line.
Anyway.
Back to the UEFA Branded Spectacular.
Want to know who we think will win the tournament?
We're very confident.
We have some very strong positions on other matches too.
We tried a different method of preparation this year.
There is much joy and happiness in the world.
We believe that the winner of Euro 2008 will be Football. The beautiful game will obliterate the murky underworld of kickbacks and corruption and become a glorious representation of all that is fine about humanity.
We also reckon PC Howard Webb will get the Final.
Unless England get there :)
© Football Is Fixed/Dietrological
