From 15:45 BST today, we are going to offer a live commentary on the Manchester City versus West Ham United Sky Live game.
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Manchester City - The owners' money is held in Thailand. Mark Clattenburg is banned from officiating. They keep pretending to sign players for real money but payment is non-existent or made in crisp Thai baht, with smudged ink.
No longer able to clear the already low threshold offered by the fit-and-proper-person test (FPPT), Shinawatra is offering to stand down to a chorus of "yes, fuck off you human rights abusing psycho".
But this week Mark Hughes finally got to meet His Excellency for the first time and a new defender was unpurchased before the end of the week.
Will The Fraudster attend?
Will the buried crystals prove to be of more use than they were against Midtjylland?
Do His Excellency's security outfit really feel that the VIP is risking his life stepping into the directors box in East Manchester?
Could we just possibly get the first assassination attempt at a Sky Live Spectacular?
West Ham United - Manager is favourite to be the first to get the sack. Bilic keeps popping up. The sneaky bankers who bankroll the club are having a very tough time in the global credit crunch - Iceland has been one of the worst hit territories.
So everybody has got to be sold.
Still, apparently Dean Ashton is the best player the world has ever seen...
Both these teams are unbackable, having each been in a state of internal uproar for the whole of 2008.
To make matters complete, the least-decent-referee-not-yet-banned takes control of the match ############
So, come back before Kick Off to see if The Fraudster can overcome The Debtor under the gaze of The Police Officer.
Well, what about the pre-match betting markets?
Clever money around on ########### - there certainly seems to be a dynamic against them losing to the paupers from the #####.
So, ########### at Draw No Bet seems the bet if you must get involved.
But it is ############.
And they are deep in uproar.
We're staying out of this one on a trading level...
It is not football anyway.
Remember.
This is entertainment to a script.
The only enjoyment is spotting who-is-doing-it in time to make a suitable portion of your living from the betting markets.
The Premier League: "Get On with The Game".
Football Is Fixed: "Get On With The Gamble".
Apparently, there is a mole inside Manchester City with a "vendetta" against the club.
Who is it that is so irked by the autocratic behaviour of His Excellency that he/she risks summary execution in order to reveal the truth at the club?
We know of several players and one agent who are well pissed off with the situation - the agent could indeed be said to be waging a vendetta against City.
Champions League?
You're havin' a laugh...
In fact, UEFA Cup Proper, you're having a laugh...
Oh, at least the pre-match will be fun as Sky are giving us Ray Wilkins and David Platt to offer the views that the ###################################.
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##################
Sky has just cut to the dressing rooms and the FA/Premier League "Get On With The Game" farce.
There are strong rumours around the offices that this game is #####.
As we said.
"Get On With The Gamble".
Hey, hey. Shinawatra is in the area.
#################
Will Scudamore be sitting next to him?
How does this sit with the FPPT thingimijig?
Gary Cook, the ex-Nike slimester running the show at Eastlands on behalf of Shinawatra, assured Sir Richards of the FA and the Premier League that neither Thaksin or his wife have anything to do with the day-to-day running of the club.
Just turns up to games to sit with the posh people, then?
You know what, right?
Why are all those Thai names in the boardroom if His Excellency is not involved in the day-to-day running of the club?
15:55 Five minutes to Kick Off. You can almost feel the tension building in the City of Manchester stadium - the Bird's Nest of the North.
Almost.
15:57 Well, there is going to have to be a lot of people coming into the ground in the next three minutes if we are going to have any atmosphere here.
Real atmosphere that is.
Not the sort that involves the Sky TV sound production man shoving up the fader on the crowd volume control.
15:59 So Platt and Wilkins are anti-City.
Shinawatra attends. He only attends if he is in control of the situation.
There is clever money on City.
Webb referees.
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
16:04 The Thai adverts are back. Great news for City.
16:06 Nope. Bochum versus Wolfsburg is more interesting...
16:07 City denied 0.5 of a penalty as the grass takes Elano out of the game. Too soft even for Howard Webb.
16:09 Robert Green is the best English goalkeeper. But he doesn't have close links to ################. This is undoubtedly holding his career back.
16:12 City are winning the 50-50's. Then again, they're probably threatened with a beating on the soles of their feet if they lose today.
16:14 City denied another 0.5 of a penalty. Then a clearance off the line. Then they hit the bar. Webb gives a dodgy free kick to relieve the pressure. Gosh...
16:18 Howard Webb looks like Hellboy :)
16:22 Free Kick. Central. 30 metres. Petrov... Off the post. Those crystals are failing City here.
16:24 Surely only a matter of time before City score here. Wonder if the match officials #############################. Just wondering...
16:28 The blood money signings are playing well for City.
16:29 Anybody else noticed that Martin Petrov only plays for half the game, and only plays for half the season too.
16:30 Blue Moan rings out. Its a draw.
16:33 Well, The Fraudster should be happy with everything apart from the score. Well worth missing the Olympics Closing Ceremony and a couple of court appearances for...
16:37 Pretty much standard fare for the park this. Only a bit faster. Not very 'Top Class' at all, really...
16:39 Howard Webb has done the business. Just as we thought. Noble has been sent off.
16:40 This game could represent a prime example of a ################ market.
16:42 City have had their sixth penalty appeal of the half turned down. Its a Webb Mad Market.
16:44 Hellboy does Mike Dean...
16:49 I've got to analyse the Half Time Markets. Gimmee 10... And then I'll tell you about Chung Mong-Koo. Can't wait. 8 shots to nil and still City can't score. Feng Shui is simply not up to the task.
16:54 So, Chung Mong-Koo. He was the chairman of Hyundai, who was sentenced to 300 hours community service for embezzling $90 million from his company. That works out at $300,000 for every hour of sweeping up and railing painting. Shinawatra's crimes warrant the withholding of $1.6 billion by the Thai authorities. Perhaps he'll get about three years community service. Perhaps he is a fit-and-proper-person.
17:00 Well, the ideal Half Time bet is undoubtedly #############################
####################################################################
But, uproar is uproar.
It matters more when there's money on it.
Not when it is an ###############################, it doesn't.
17:02 Why would anybody voluntarily choose to drink Budweiser?
17:03 Oh, a view of my beautiful city from the SkyBet blimp. It matters more when we take the piss out of you. Its a boiler room scam. Its a Murdochracy Spectacular. The match is simply #############
17:08 A collision of heads. How exciting.
17:09 Oh no. Micah Richards has a serious injury. There goes the only asset.
17:11 City players are looking ashen-faced - its one of those career threatening injuries...
17:12 Blue Moon v Blowing Bubbles is the Mexican wave of choice.
17:16 7 minute break. Always good to trade the #################### market in-running after an injury like that.
17:21 City are fitter. Its 11 against 10. The stars are on their side. The crystals will surely come good. Shinawatra doesn't like to leave things to chance...
17:24 Its a beautiful game. Not that you would recognise this fact if you were to stumble across this nonsense as a prime example of the sport.
17:25 The City faithful are becoming unfaithful in their Mancunian moaning. Self harm time. Time for City to score then. G-OOOOOOOOOO-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL...
17:27 SkyBet are beside themselves with glee. Andy Gray can hardly contain himself. There have been some very big bets landed on this ###############.
17:31 We're already looking forward to ###########################.
17:32 Oh another goal. How exciting can this get for Mr Gray?
17:33 When City were a decent club, that would be before Malcolm Allison got involved, this would be about the time in the game when my father would start glancing at his watch. 7 minutes to the car, 17 minutes home, back on the garden.
17:35 The Singha adverts are becoming more showy with the 2-0 lead - the wonderful link between marketing and markets via a football match.
17:37 Oh my gosh! "Is this Manchester City's holy trinity?" weaseled Andy Gray as The Fraudster lands ######################. 3-0.
17:39 We have a rule in the office. When a match reaches 3-0, we shut down the screens and move on. Its like a modern day equivalent of leaving early for the car park. Like father...
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