Client clubs being merged and acquired, familial power hierarchies spreading their influence, an entirely non-rigged FA Cup draw, the chance for Sméagol to get an assisted victory in the campaign to place Chelsea under the auspices of a certain externalised entity...
How could we not take this match as our Live Scam Broadcast Event for the season?
Any sign of Mr ###############, Loose Guus, at the Vicarage?
But Sméagol is wearing an Italian suit.
We is precious...
7 mins - Didier seems to be trying. For now. Scott Loach saves - the England Under-21 keeper is like a non-compromised, non-egomaniacal version of Calamity (who, of course, had absolutely nothing to do with the sacking of Mr Adams - check ######## ###########################################################################).
11 mins - If this is the world's favourite cup competition, the sport is in a state.
12 mins - Still no ############## from Mike Dean - #############################
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13 mins - Chelsea should score after a pitiful attempt at an offside trap. Kalou fluffs the lay off.
14 mins - The pitch is cutting up which would work against a skillful team. Fortunately, neither Chelsea or Watford would fall into that category.
15 mins - Setanta give us a view of Loose Guus, ################### himself, next to a certain Oligarch. Why isn't Mr # on the bench? Is the director's box a tax free zone?
17 mins - Cashley Cole booked for a minor assault - Sméagol complains to the 4th Official. Being a cross it creates uncertainty as Petr Cech is no longer fearless.
19 mins - Dean gives an entirely fake free kick to Russia on the edge of the penalty area. Lampard lines it up... Inevitably hits the wall. Watford's Football Consultant, Frank Lampard Snr, looks on. We are family...
22 mins - Dean gives Watford a throw-in. Sméagol complains to the 4th Official. Tries to grab the man's wedding ring unsuccessfully. Skulks back to the bench.
24 mins - Mike Dean gives an entirely fictitious foul to Chelsea once again on the edge of the area. ###########################################################
#################################### Lampard gets shot on target - a state of shock around the office...
27 mins - Chelsea pressure building as the superior fitness kicks in.
28 mins - Drogba shows lack of confidence by hitting the centre of the goal, and hence the keeper, with a shot. Setanta cuts to Roman clapping and laughing - "a Droggie shot on goal, ho ho ho."
31 mins - Totally unexpectedly, Mike Dean has removed his refereeing outfit and is streaking towards the dugouts carrying a Chelsea scarf, while holding aloft a betting slip. In Reality, he gives Watford a free kick near the corner flag.
33 mins - The Gap get a corner. Dean ends the attack via a decision against some random Watford player for the offence of "challenging for the ball against my market position". ##########################################################
35 mins - Anelka hits the post. Didn't realise he was on the pitch...
36 mins - Mr # looks anything but pleased with affairs. Why can't we just watch Mr # and Mr A? Tis better than the sporting fare. #################################
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37 mins - Difficult to resist the temptation to watch Olympiakos harass Aris instead of this N'Zogbia-inducing boredom.
38 mins - Dean fails to give Chelsea a foul but compensates almost immediately by going for a neoreal nonsense. As is his wont. ###################################
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39 mins - When Whalley Range First XI used to play Whalley Range 2nd XI, we used to swap players at half-time. Will this happen here at the Vicarage?
40 mins - "Watford Gap, Watford Gap, A Plate of Grease and a Load of Crap..." Now who sung that? Some excessively white folk ensemble, I seem to remember. Who cares?
41 mins - A flurry of Watford attacking wing play results in a couple of corners as the tension, allegedly, builds. A Rasiak header on target but straight at Cech. So no goal.
44 mins - Dean stops the Gap from taking a quick free kick by sitting on the ball - manages to avoid eye contact with all and sundry. Even an advertisement for Tic-Tacs would be a more riveting watch than this.
45 mins - Half time. Roman applauds. Mr ############# is not looking a happy tax exile.
Well the bookmakers will be relieved to have avoided at Ch at HT/ Ch at FT mug earner.
Shall we listen to Steve Maccer's disinformation?
No, lets watch 10 men Aris fight for parity instead.
Or brave El Masry against Al Ahly?
Or even the fat and bloated public schoolboys going in for a spot of eye-gouging at the Millennium?
No, nothing is that bad...
Nearly time for the second half.
Can't wait.
Yo! 2-0 for Olympiakos.
46 mins - So, the big question. Do Chelsea go for the morale boosting victory or do they allow their client team a replay and some cash?
47 mins - Cech clears with a diving header 6 metres outside the area. Gosh, how exciting...
48 mins - Anyway, how did the two primary Sky referees, Webb and Dean, get the two Saturday live cup matches? ################################################### ############################################################## Droggie looking more menacing. More Oligarchical applause.
49 mins - Lampard fires wide.
50 mins - Close up of Mike Dean looking like Jasper Carrot on mogadon.
51 mins - Close up of Sméagol looking like Ray Wilkins on one.
52 mins - Another Dean free kick for Russia on the edge of the area. That is four and counting... The incredibly talented (sic) Ballack hits the wall. The equally skilled Mikel does the Row Z thing.
54 mins - Another Muppet shot from the Junior. Blocked outside the area.
57 mins - If Watford defender Doyley was booked, would it be a D'oily Carte?
58 mins - Is there a spread market out there on the number of occasions the tv cameras focus on the Oligarch? If so, this is not a market to short-sell.
61 mins - Ballack shoots over from 2 metres. Roman thinks that is a real hoot.
62 mins - Chelsea are battering the Gap.
63 mins - Snake Plissken is coming on. Lampard has another shot. Blocked. Corner. Goalmouth scramble. Mike Dean drags a defender wide creating the space for Anelka. Deflection and a corner. #####################################################
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65 mins - Another corner. Comes to nothing. Ballack heads wide when he should have done better. How useless is he?
66 mins - Torosidis puts through his own goal to land the suitable result in Piraeus.
68 mins - Watford score!!! Snake scores. Can Chelsea Escape from Watford Gap? The Oligarch looks rattled - it must take something to rattle somebody who was lost around £14 billion in the last twelve months.
70 mins - The Sméagol Effect continues.
72 mins - So how long will it take for the Reserves to let in an equaliser?
74 mins - Five minutes! Chelsea score.
75 mins - Oooh its a winner from Anelka.
78 mins - The out of work City traders are bouncing up and down behind the home goal. The magic of the cup means that Champions of England/ Champions of Europe will be quaking following this performance. Really...
82 mins - Bollock has been dropped to the bench. Shakes hands with the Watford boss on the way past. Ahhh... ######################################################
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83 mins - Snake robs some overrated millionaire but the cross is hooked wide.
85 mins - The game is dying a death. So is this match...
90 mins - What price Chelsea getting a suitable home Quarter Final tie? No prices offered, we would guess.
90 mins - Cech saves with his legs. Immediately, Anelka seals his hat-trick at the other end. Sméagol throws a wobbler.
We is a successful manager.
90 mins - The fat lady has hit the high C. There is nothing like a competitive game of football, and this was nothing like a competitive game of football...
Well, there's ninety minutes that I'll resent wasting at the end of my life.
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