You parrot-clawed, thrush-beaked, pigeon-chested, self-opinionated, sod-minded, suet-brained, ham-faced, mealy-mouthed, streptococcus-ridden gang of gobshites, to slightly paraphrase Myles na Gopaleen.
We, at Football Is Fixed, do not hold Our Great Leader and his ############# coterie in a very high regard.
The twisted sanctuary of ScudamoreWorld is trying to sell an incredibly fake reality with a premium on mediocrity to an increasingly incredulous audience.
In our next two footballing presentations, we address two major ######## conspiracies.
The first relates to the inappropriate relationship between a leading Premiership manager and an equally high-profile PGMOB match referee.
The second relates to the equally inappropriate practices, including insider trading, match-rigging, child-trafficking, money laundering, that sort of thing, at leading firms of British football agents and the affecting of Premiership match outcomes.
Since the beginning of last season, Mike Dean has refereed 11 matches featuring teams managed by Harry Redknapp.
In these alleged sporting contests, Mr Dean has shown an obviously unconscious bias to the man with the whiskey-face on him.
Portsmouth/Tottenham have overachieved against the market price in all but two of these matches. In the first, Mr Dean provided Pompey with an injury-time penalty that Benjani managed to miss against West Ham, and in the other, our contact informs us that certain insiders at Portsmouth had short-sold their team in this year's opener at Chelsea.
Aside from this event, Dean has given Redknapp 3 penalties in favour and none against, plus, for good measure, 4 sendings off in just 10 matches. To 'balance' things out statistically, Dean has also sent off two of Redknapp's players - one in the 88th minute when Redknapp was 2-0 ahead ie irrelevant, and one in the 89th minute when Redknapp was 2-1 ahead and the other team was down to nine men ie equally irrelevant.
Furthermore two of these matches occurred in the Portsmouth FA(ke) Cup triumph last season including, inevitably, the final itself. This was the game, of course, that Pompey keeper David James stated that he "knew" they were going to win, before hurriedly withdrawing the remark.
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There are 19 match referees on the PGMOB Select Group roster because Shinawatra's sidekick Mark "New Hair" Clattenburg is banned for allegedly threatening the family of his ex-business partner together with ####################################
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There are 38 games in the season. Throw in the two cup competitions (15 matches involving Redknapp) and so with 78 matches in total since the beginning of last season, an interested observer might assume that each team should meet up with each match official, on average, on four occasions.
Statistically, looking at matters on a distribution level, the likelihood of Mr Dean randomly being selected for 11 Redknapp events in this window is 1 in #########.
About the same as the Earth being hit by an asteroid, as it happens...
But what about the mechanisms that allow such a gross distortion of our hyperrealities?
The PGMOB are supposed to select match officials both meritocratically (there is allegedly a merit table although one referee of our acquaintance refers to it as the Keith Hackett non-merit table), and without bias to the teams involved.
How did something with the statistical probability of an astronomical end to the world come to pass without the active input of somebody very senior within the PGMOB?
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And, what is it with BSkyB and an inner grouping of match officials, including Mr Dean?
Out of 64 Sky live televised matches this season, Mike Dean and the Kipper have refereed 9 matches apiece while PC Webb has been given 16 games - precisely 25% of all of the matches shown by Sky?
Over 50% of the games going to the same three officials?
As Myles said: "The coincidence has that inscrutable felicity that is usually associated with the more benevolent manifestations of Providence."
Of course, it was only a couple of years back that Mr Dean was banned for a few months due to his invalid links to an online betting site called Arbitros (referee, geddit?). It is certainly a positive that the PGMOB treats the integrity of our game with such an assured vision of hyperselectivity.
I know, why don't we take a brief glance at the players that Arbitros Man has sent off in this current season in ScudamoreWorld, shall we?
Emmanuel Eboué
Ashley Young
Sébastien Bassong
Gelson Fernandes
Benoît Assou-Ekotto
Lassana Diarra
Amdy Faye
Richard Dunne
Now Dean has it in for the Abu Dhabi United captain, Richard Dunne, as he is currently averaging sending off the man on one occasion each season.
So, let's remove yer man from the listing, shall we?
And so, who do we have left?
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
Got it!!!!
They're all Black!
Excellent, so our resident of the Wirral manages, within just one minor collection of human characteristics, to exhibit ####################################
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Apparently, I have to say 'allegedly' here.
But we have got files and files of information regarding the activities of Mr Dean and Mr Redknapp in a whole spectrum of different business arenas, both historically and in the present.
The facts that we display for you in this place are merely soundbites of the symphony of shenanigans in our possession.
Mike Dean's last dramatic performance, for that is the only way to describe his input, was the draw between Spurs and Arsenal in the last round of Premiership matches. This was the game where he disallowed a perfectly good Arsenal goal and sent off Eboué.
But, guess who is the 4th Official for Tottenham's visit to Humberside on Monday evening?
What! Surely it is not Mike Dean getting a twelfth game with his mentor?
Surely not!
Tell us it is not so...
Without the input of Arbitros Man over the last eighteen months, we would see Mr Redknapp as the Real quality of manager that he is, rather than the Freedom of the City-gaining, FA Cup-winning, relegation-surviving genius who apparently warrants beatification at the very least.
And all this is without the bungs inquiry, without the City of London police inquiry into fraud and money laundering, without regarding the state in which Our Hero left Pompey with 90% of turnover going on wages, without any assessment of gambling activities, and without any overview of his property empire.
Still, it is certainly a great relief to see Pascal Chimbonda reunited with Redknapp courtesy of Glaswegian agent Willie McKay.
And it is with this character that we will begin our dissection of the British transfer market and the role of dodgy agents in our next post.
There is an important point to be made here with regard to Mike Dean, Harry Redknapp and Willie McKay.
Unbelievably, each had a mother...
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