A couple of weeks ago, the Guardian football 'journalist', Paul Wilson, suggested that the winner of this years' BBC Sports Personality of the Year Award should be none other than the second coming himself, Saint Harold Redknapp.
A Hyperreal Hurrah for Harry or a Real Reaction to the Rigging of Results?
As football only exists as a gambling medium nowadays, and because many other sports are occupying the same neoreality, today we bring to you the first ever Football Is Fixed Sports Criminality of the Year Awards.
As the majority of our awards approach the territory of libel, only subscribers will receive the full roster of criminalised achievement.
For atmospheric effect, the awards ceremony should be imagined against the backdrop of a certain London casino, with smoke-filled backrooms and the clatter of daylight robbery in the wings.
Oxygen will be pumped into the room to keep us all awake.
* PERFORMANCE ENHANCING SUBSTANCE ABUSE OF THE YEAR AWARD
1. Turkey in Euro 2008 Finals
2. #####################################
3. Russia in Euro 2008 Finals
* INSTITUTIONAL FOOTBALL CORRUPTION OF THE YEAR AWARD
1. The Premier League
2. FIFA
3. The Football Association
* CRIMINALISED ENGLISH CLUB MANAGER OF THE YEAR AWARD
1. ################
2. ################
3. ################
* CRIMINAL CONSORTIUM OF THE YEAR AWARD
1. ################
2. ################
3. ################
* TAKEOVER OF THE YEAR AWARD
1. The takeover of Chelsea, Tottenham Hotspur, Watford, West Ham United and Portsmouth by a certain extended little family
* AUTOCRATIC PSYCHOPATH OF THE YEAR AWARD
1. Thaksin Shinawatra
2. ################
3. ################
* MOST INSTITUTIONALLY CORRUPTED TOURNAMENT OF THE YEAR AWARD
1. The FA Cup
2. The English Premier League
3. Romanian Divizia A
* MURKY MEDIA AWARD
1. BSkyB
2. The Guardian
3. Match of the Day
* INSIDER TRADER OF THE YEAR AWARD (FOOTBALLER)
1. ##################
2. ##################
3. ##################
* OUTSIDER OF THE YEAR AWARD - THE MIKE NEWELL EFFECT
1. Juande Ramos
2. William Gallas
3. Roy Keane
* MOST COMPROMISED REFEREE OF THE YEAR AWARD
1. Howard Webb
2. Roberto Rosetti
3. Mike Dean
4. Herbert Fandel
5. Mark Clattenburg
* FAKE HYPERREALITY OF THE YEAR AWARD
1. The 39th Step
2. Supercasinos
3. Premier League
And now the moment that we have all been waiting for, the Football Is Fixed Sports Criminality of the Year Award.
"Ladies, gentlemen, the criminal fringe, murky consortia and institutional criminals, this has been a flagship year in the history of sporting corruption. The judges have had an incredibly difficult decision to make, as there have been so many successful manipulations of sport to the favour of the gambling industry this year."
"We all have our favourite instances, I'm sure. But this award is about the ultimate performance, the complete corruption, a deep systemic drive to criminalise a whole sport globally."
"Everybody must agree that one man stands head and shoulders above the rest when it comes to massive murkiness. Although the planet is covered in crooks who are gaming our realities for personal gain, only one individual is able to co-ordinate the corruption in global football to the extent required by the bookmakers and the hyperowners."
"And now, the envelope... In third place is His Excellency Thaksin Shinawatra. Unfortunately, His Excellency cannot be with us this evening as he is prevented from entering the country due to his outstanding corruption charges in Thailand. But, here to collect the Award on the mass murderers' behalf is the chief executive of the Premier League, Richard Scudamore."
"Its getting tense now, isn't it?"
"The runner up unfortunately also has travel restrictions placed on him as the French arrest warrant for illegal arms dealing means that our prizewinner, Arkadi Gaydamak, isn't allowed into Europe. But, here to collect the Award on the arms dealers' behalf is the chief executive of the Premier League, Richard Scudamore."
"Now, the moment we have all been waiting for - the naming of the Football Is Fixed Sports Criminality of the Year Award for 2008."
"And, the winner is..."
At this point, the lights go out and the microphones are cut, as a leading Asian bookmaker makes a very late and final attempt to corner the market on the Award.
But, we all know who the winner is in ScudamoreWorld.
Fyodor Dostoyevsky: "Not for one moment do I take you for a truth that is real. You are a falsehood, you are my illness, you are a ghost. Only I do not know how to destroy you, and perceive that for a certain time I must suffer you. You are a hallucination that I am having. You are the embodiment of myself, but only of one side of me... of my thoughts and emotions, though only those that are most loathsome and stupid. In that regard you might even be of interest to me, if only I had the time to throw away on you."
Unfortunately, the blocked out parts of the posts and all posts labelled # are available in full to subscribers only.
Our roster is now full for Football Is Fixed.
But, please enjoy the free snippets that we are posting on this site.
© Football Is Fixed/Dietrological
