The probability that the three concluding crucial matches in Euro 2008 Qualifying Group E would go the way of Israel, Macedonia and Croatia is an occurrence that would be expected only once in every two millennia (544/1 was the accumulator price). If rarity is indicative of beauty and price then last night's encounter was a many splendored thing.
The English footballing establishment was outplayed by Roman and his Russians at Platini's Poker Parlour - Roman bought the first hand but was outbid in the second before using his endless supply of chips to motivate the Croats in the final hand.
In the words of Spike Milligan: "What are we going to do now?" Well, we're going to list the reasons why this national disaster (sic) came to reality. In order of negative impact, we give you the following cast who won't be missed when the English hierarchy is purged.
* The Bookmakers - It was a déjà vu all over again repetition thing here. Back in the good old bad old days, the bookmakers were instrumental in getting slippery Kevin Keegan into the England job prior to being equally instrumental in his demise. The same may now be said of Steve McClaren. The only difference between the two instances is that Keegan undertook the bookies bidding directly while McClaren was undermined by his players. The layers have foregone millions on the non-qualification of this sceptred isle, the fifty grand Mercedes being transported to Palestine being only the thin end of a negative equity edge. The failure was indicative of the short-termism of the English market makers. To guarantee that England would progress, the bookies were required to not only buy off the Israel team but also to demonstrate equivalence in their dealings with the Croats. By allowing Abramovich financial control of last night's event, the bookmakers markedly increased the likelihood of a pear-shaped conclusion. Skinflints. The nonsense that Croatia had nothing to play for was evidently fallacious after only five minutes and the Croat's goals and post-match celebrations were suggestive of external rewards - effectively, the short term financial gains of doing an oligarch's bidding trumped the deferred gratification represented by a Euro 2008 Final's betting bonanza. British bookmakers and a creative long-term strategy rarely occupy the same quantum state but last night represented a new nadir for the bosons in their trading rooms.
* The FA - Incompetent or what? To improve the chances of a place in the finals, the FA selected millstone over motivation. Can you imagine Germany playing a friendly away from home a few days before such a vital game? Apart from short term financial gain, what was the purpose in allowing a US Football event to take place in the food mall destroying the hallowed (?) turf in the process? Why were the Croatian fans given the benefit of a position behind one of the goals? Providing visiting supporters with this territorial edge is not something that would be found in the strategies of Clausewitz! The intellect behind the FA was clearly portrayed pre-match when, at a dinner for the great and the good (and a representative of the monarchy), chairman Geoff Thompson referred to our great leader as "Steve McQueen". The dole is too good for some people. It is no surprise that the powers ruining the English game put accounting prerogatives before anything and everything else but the non-qualification was a theatrical comedy of financial errors. The image of Prince Harry sitting next to Brian Barwick at 2-3 down is the one that I will file away for future chuckling purposes...
* The Mainstream Media - Too much focus; too much pressure; too many column inches devoted to little-Englander xenophobia; too many individuals preparing articles at the bookmaker's bidding. Ladbrokes-retained Ian Wright was the icing on this particular disinformational cake when, in BBC's pre-match preamble, he berated the other talking heads for being in "negative land" and then spouted the Magic Sign's line on the inevitability of an English victory when, in fact, all the English layers were on the Draw.
* Steve McClaren and the England Team - McClaren was out of his depth from Day One and, as such, may only be apportioned a percentage of the blame. Having said that, selecting the usually excellent Carson for such a key game, retaining bookies pal Fat Frank in midfield and using the bookies other mate Michael Owen to achieve no shots at all against the might of Estonia and Russia was mismanagement par excellence. Poor little Michael was so traumatised by having a shot on target in Vienna on Friday night that he limped off in a self-harming style. If this were horseracing (and it pretty well much is), Owen would be carpeted for being a non-trier. It did not help that McClaren and Venables had a lover's tiff prior to last night's match and, as I write, McClaren will be receiving his P45 and financial pay-off from the FA. If Max Clifford is looking for somewhere to place his incompetent client, he's missed the Preston job (which is a damn shame from a Blackpool perspective). For the squad en masse to fail despite the advantages bestowed to the home of football is a disgrace. Even with biased support from the Swedish officials (if penalties were always given for the likes of Simunic's foul, we would be in rugby score territory here), the millionaires manifestly muffed it - performance related pay might help...
* The England "Fans" - I turned over from the Spain v Northern Ireland game just in time to hear the chorus of boos and whistles that greeted the singing of the Croatian national anthem - the fact that the opera singer was Black making the display particularly unpleasant. Now how stupid is that? Even without financial inducements, a proud nation like Croatia was going to be fired up by this welcome. The constant drone of the nationalistic song band was thankfully totally drowned out by the singing of the Croatian supporters - being outsung at home is the football supporter's equivalent of discovering squatter's rights being claimed in your sitting room. The bipolar nature of the typical Engerlander was demonstrated throughout last night's show with cyclical booing and encouragement being the Anglo-audio-backdrop. This type of input is totally non-constructive - the twelfth man becoming a liability, if you like. The xenophobes should check out the crowd support for Scotland or Northern Ireland (both of whom merited a final's place more than England) when they next wish to visit the Wembley mega-restaurant.
So, what are we left with in the aftermath? Scapegoats will be chosen and adjustments made but the rotten edifice of the footballing and gambling sectors in England will remain largely untouched. McClaren is the patsy. The great escapes of which you sing need meticulous planning and a lack of attention to detail appears to be a core competency in the corridors of power.
England's demise neatly coincided with the latest strong indication that a serious global recession is on the way with the FTSE losing 2.5% of its value yesterday with, more importantly, no rebound of consequence so far this morning. It was also the day that Peter Reid turned down the post of manager of the Iranian national team thereby eliminating in one foul swoop the only justification for potentially invading the place. The bookies would, no doubt, like Reid to become the English boss but we have sidestepped this with our support last month for the 100/1 available on Alan Shearer - his price is now around 10's and the value is no more.
Be grateful for small mercies. England finished above Israel (on their head-to-head record) and, assuming that this little island is given the opportunity to host the 2018 World Cup, qualification will be assured in 11 years time. And Russia's presence in Austria/Switzerland will at least allow Roman to meet up with his wealth manager and to check up on the interest payments on his Swiss bank accounts.
I wish I knew the Croat for "You're Not Singing Anymore...".
© Football Is Fixed/Dietrological
