RK: "A warm welcome to Grand Scam Sunday - a Sky/Star Asia Spectacular Branded Extravaganza".
Cue: A video mosaic of rapidly sequenced images featuring referees, assistant referees, 4th officials, replays of scandalous decisions intercut with betting slips, trading screens and suitcases with money inside them...
RK: "Well, have we got one huge Scam for you today here direct from the SkyBet Trading Rooms? To help talk us through the disinformation, we are delighted to welcome RW who used to play for two of the teams in action today, alongside our very own manipulators of public information AG and JR. Good afternoon gentlemen. How do you see these games going this afternoon?".
AG: "Well, R, isn't it a miracle of probability that the big betting Saturday before xmas has thrown up these two huge Scams? The fixture list could not have been manipulated any better from a marketing perspective. And, R, as soon as MH was selected to referee the Liverpool Reds game, we knew what sort of betting market to expect. Lets have a look at his best manipulations so far this season".
Cue: Another mixture of dives becoming penalties and a referee walking into Isle of Man bank...
JR: "To be totally honest, you'd have to go the same way as The Racing Post is persuading its readers to bet on the games, R. My dad told me what will happen in the later game and we've all got a nice little earner on the Half Time/Full Time market for the Arsenal betting event".
RW: "I'd agree with J and A. My money always follows The Racing Post and The Sporting Life advices on the games. And, if in doubt, I check out The Sun. You can trust these guys, R".
RK: "You certainly can. Let's hear what RH from The Tragic Sign has to say".
RH: "All the professional money is, remarkably, following the same teams as the leisure punter money and everybody should be feeling massive pangs of regret if they have not placed at least 25% of the weekly domestic budget on each of these two gambles. Come on now. Every little helps our shareholders and our traders".
AG: "RH is right. Teams A and B are unbackable and, with AW on the later game, we are assured of a volatile betting marketplace. The early manipulations came from Russia but Asia quickly traded a range of strategic market knowledge before the big London and Gibraltar firms undertook their own corruptions. R, its looking at the moment like the dominant poker hand is in Bangkok but there are several hands to play prior to kick off".
JR: "Yeah, dad got on in Gibraltar...".
RW: "I'd agree with J and A. My money always follows The Racing Post and The Sporting Life advices on the games. And, if in doubt, I check out The Sun. You can trust these guys, R".
RK: "So, lets look at the offshore financial centre cashflows of the referees in the season to date. As you will see, it has been a tricky one for at least one official as he has desperately attempted to move his millions between centres utilising regulatory loopholes".
Cue: Banks, Liechtenstein, Macau, high class call girls and the ubiquitous suitcases of cash...
RK: "There have been rumours of a change of referee hovering around the Arsenal game all week as different mafia clans attempt to exert ultimate control over the later Scam".
JR: "Yeah, dad's little earner yesterday was messed up by Hackett doin' that. It was a loadsofmoney-job's-a-good'un-certainty and then Hackett changes the bloody ref! What's it coming to when you can't land a little earner on the side of a corrupt match?
AG: "That's dreadful, J. It's a disgrace when you lose psychopathic and absolute control of a high profile televised Scam. I've been doing it on-and-off all season and I find it abhorrent that, in this day and age, there are people out there who do not yet understand that Sky/Star Asia must win".
RK: "Absolutely, A. I couldn't agree with you more".
RW: "I'd agree with J and A. My money always follows The Racing Post and The Sporting Life advices on the games. And, if in doubt, I check out The Sun. You can trust these guys, R".
RK: "Okay, let's get the team news from The Hicks And Gillett Halliburton Emporium".
CK: "I've just been into the referee's changing room, R, and there are no reports of any niggling injuries for today's match officials. MH felt a few involuntary spasms earlier in the week but nothing to keep him from controlling the Grand Scam Opening Event".
RK: "And the players?"
CK: "We've seen some evidence of insider trading both in Asia and Europe and there are huge rumours of inappropriate Russian money on both of the games. I'm sure that the relevant players will perform as is required. There's a lot of EPO around".
RK: "Great, C".
AG: "Ay, that is good news. I like a tidy watertight corruption".
Cue: Laughter all around the studio.
RK: "Are you and the trading team happy with the choices of MH and AW to officiate?"
AG: "Well, yes and no, R. At least MR and HW are the 4th Officials but we'd always prefer MR or HW on the pitch for obvious reasons that we needn't go into live on air".
Cue: Yet more hilarity and backslapping humour from the corruption team.
AG: "But, R, there is one important point to be made here. This is the Sky/Star Asia Grand Scam and it is outrageous that Manchester Blues were allowed to win yesterday. How can we market this Scam as the Grand Scam if some non-criminalised match official allows another team to break into the Top Four. Its an outrage and something must be done about it".
RK: "I couldn't agree more, boss. So, a prediction from each of you gentleman please".
AG: "Well, there's limited liquidity on the first game as our psychopathic attempts to control the betting markets are finally being noticed by punters and there are rumours that some working class gambling addicts are turning away from Sky Scams which will have to be addressed. You'd have to go with the EPO though. As for the later game, we all know what is going to happen and it serves their right for refusing to be taken over by criminal money".
RK: "I couldn't agree more, A".
JR: "To be honest, somebody's going to get a good slappin' later. You know what I mean?"
RW: "I'd agree with J and A. My money always follows The Racing Post and The Sporting Life advices on the games. And, if in doubt, I check out The Sun. You can trust these guys, R".
RK: "And, now before we go over to the trading room to monitor the market action, here are some product placements, a fifteen minute advertorial for those Grand Scam Ford Cars and some self-promotional stuff for future Sky/Star Asia Scams over the festive season".
At the end of last night's Match Of The Day, Gary Lineker concluded the show with the semi-immortal line: "The Game's Bent". All around the trading room, there was silence. Shock, even... Following a swift rewind, we were relieved to find that this action did not represent a cleansing of football punditry in the face of this massive global corruption but rather referred instead to the excellent hat-trick scored for Wigan by Marcus Bent. Phew!
© Football Is Fixed/Dietrological
