With corruption, insider trading, matchfixing and disinformation becoming the template of operation at Sky Sports and, in particular, BT Sports, here is a handy guide to translate the output that the media enterprises use to bewilder the viewer.
With commentators who understand little about the sport, expert summarisers who were corrupted during their playing careers, referees and clubs owned by gangsters and/or bookmakers and no video technology, the glossary below will help you translate the lies.
"On the edge of offside" - blatantly offside but linesman is linked to major bookmaker so we'll give him the benefit of the doubt.
"A thriller" - it doesn't matter that the game was a matchfixing event because Danny Murphy has designated it as a thriller.
"To be honest..." - even though I'm a barefaced liar who has been involved in corruption both during and after my career, I'm trying to convince you of my honesty in order to convey some pithy point.
"The referee got that decision spot on" - the pgMOB official has made what appears to the fan to be a mistake but is actually linked to insider trading by a mafia group so is consequently correct.
"The referee got that decision bob on" - as above except that the commentator has traded on the corruption himself.
"Our resident referee tells us that the ref got that decision absolutely right" - Howard Webb chats shit. He was a FIFA World Cup Final referee and we all know the corruption template that underpinned Blatter's empire.
"We need more characters like ############## in the game" - although ############## undertakes matchfixing, bungs, tax avoidance, he is a cheeky chap and entertains us.
"The ref was in a great position to see that" - referee saw the foul but decided not to give penalty due to coercion.
"He went down too easily for the ref to give a penalty there" - same as above.
"Only the slightest of contacts. Definitely not a penalty" - a full frontal assault that would always be a penalty if rules of the game were applied.
"He did well to stay on his feet" - a definite penalty.
"Joe Hart had no chance with that shot" - my grandmother could have saved that. Joe Hart is a Timeform Squiggle.
"The referee's line of sight was blocked" - the ref ignored foul and all of his assistants and the EPL Match Centre observers screamed through his earpiece not to give penalty.
"Definitely not offside" - Is offside but frame delayed and line drawn crookedly on graphics to provide disinformation to viewer.
"That was terrific" - I have no idea what is going on as I am public-school-educated south east white middle class freemason and I wouldn't recognise any football reality without the prompts of my producer.
"#### and the team will be here" - a gang of insider trading matchfixers will be here.
"####### has broken the Premier League record" - ####### uses EPO.
"######## should stop complaining about referees" - the pgMOB will continue to victimise ######### and the FA fine him until he realises that referee corruption is an integral part of the English game.
"This new breed of owner is surely good for the English game" - I wonder where the bodies are buried?
"El Clasico is the biggest game on the planet" - tax avoidance, corrupted match officials, sexual blackmail and memories of Franco underpin this match.
"####### is the fastest player in England" - ####### uses EPO, blood doping and nandrolone disguised with masking substances.
"####### is the home of football" - ####### is a boiler room scam of an operation operated by mafia men, tax avoiders, match fixers and those involved in third party player ownership.
"It is a fairy tale that ############## are top of the league" - It is systemic corruption and the power of certain individuals that means ############## are top of the league.
"Welcome to the Camp Nou where the weather is unseasonably warm and it is a pleasure to be here" - it's fucking freezing here in UK but I'm pretending that I'm in Barcelona.
"############## don't draw matches" - this match is a definite nailed-on agreed draw.
"Surely ########### will be in the England set up soon" - ###########'s agent has slipped me a brown envelope.
"England has some promising youngsters emerging" - we must keep ########### in charge despite worst World Cup performance in history as we are all creaming it at the expense of the game.
"You have to respect the referee" - the referee is owned by triads who have evidence of him entertaining a lady boy. He does as he is told.
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