The Demise Of Glasgow Rangers (As Foretold By Monty Python)

A new owner enters a football club.

New Owner: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(The Original Owner does not respond.)
NO: 'Ello, Miss?

OO: What do you mean "miss"?
NO: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

OO: We're closin' for lunch.
NO: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this football club what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

OO: Oh yes, the, uh, the Glasgow Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
NO: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

OO: No, no, it's uh,...it's resting.
NO: Look, matey, I know a dead football club when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

OO: No no it's not dead, it's, it's restin'! Remarkable club, the Glasgow Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!
NO: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

OO: Nononono, no, no! It's resting!
NO: All right then, if it's restin', I'll wake it up!

(shouting at the table)

'Ello, Mister Football Club! I've got a lovely fresh corruption for you if you show...(original owner hits the table)

OO: There, it moved!
NO: No, it didn't, that was you hitting the table!

OO: I never!!
NO: Yes, you did!

OO: I never, never did anything...
NO: (yelling and hitting the table repeatedly) 'ELLO HUNNY!!!!!

Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

(Takes football club off the table and thumps its head on the chair. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
NO: Now that's what I call a dead football club.

OO: No, no.....No, it's stunned!
NO: STUNNED?!?

OO: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Glasgow Blues stun easily, major.
NO: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That football club is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged court case.

OO: Well, it's...it's, ah...probably pining for the courts.

NO: PININ' for the COURTS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did it fall flat on it's back the moment I got it home?

OO: The Glasgow Blue prefers kippin' on it's back! Remarkable club, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!
NO: Look, I took the liberty of examining that football club when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been upright in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.

(pause)

OO: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that club down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

NO: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this club wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! It's bleedin' demised!

OO: No no! It's pining!
NO: It's not pinin'! It's passed on! This football club is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet it's maker!

'It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed it to the ground it'd be pushing up the daisies! It's metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'It's off the twig!
'It's kicked the bucket, it's shuffled off it's mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!!

THIS IS AN EX-FOOTBALL CLUB!!

(pause)

OO: Well, I'd better replace it, then.

(he takes a quick peek behind the table)

OO: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back, and uh, we're right out of Glasgow Blues. They've recently become extinct.
NO: I see. I see, I get the picture.

OO: I got a Sevconian Slug.

(pause)
NO: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it corrupt relentlessly?

OO: Dunno.

NO: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?

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